To say girls and women these days have low self esteem is an understatement. How can we even try to compare to the flawless, thin, 'perfect' women we see in the pages of magazines and on movie screens? Yes, it's lighting, it's photoshop, it's plastic surgery, it's even deadly things like anorexia and bulimia. But it's all perceived as beautiful. We can wear make up to hide spots and marks, we can change the colour of our hair- during the day we can be one person, during the night another. But at the end of the day, you can't cover up the sadness that seeps out of our eyes for not being what society sees as 'beautiful'. It's not a secret I'm not happy about myself. I never have. I've always been the big girl in the group of friends. I remember in 9th grade my friends and I got together with clothes we no longer wore or wanted and put them in a pile and everyone got something old, but new. Everyone except me. Nothing of theirs fit me and none of them wanted anything of mine. I walked home feeling worse about myself, all the excitement about finding something new had vanished. I shy away from doing a lot of stuff because of how uncomfortable in my own body I am. I haven't owned a bathing suit since I was 12, which means I haven't gone swimming in almost 10 years. And I love swimming. I don't go to beaches and lay in the sun. I used to tan in my parents backyard because it's completely secluded. For my grad I didn't even wear a fancy prom dress because I wasn't comfortable in having my arms uncovered. I used to wear t-shirts when I went clubbing because I wasn't comfortable in anything else. Even now, the odd time I go to a club, I'll wear a 'sexy' shirt or dress but hate the fact that I feel like my arms are flopping around. The only time I've felt semi-comfortable is when I've been tanned, fat looks better when it's not pale white. Sometimes I have to stop and think about how people who are 250+ pounds feel if I feel like this and I'm not even close to 200 pounds. I don't like going out anywhere without make up because my skin is not the greatest, it's more bad then it is good. Again, when I see people who have worse skin than I do, I don't know how they can possibly go out without trying to cover it up. Most of the time I walk around with a very fragile bubble of self esteem. If someone looks at me, I'm thinking they are looking at my bad skin or how my thighs don't have a gap between them. I don't even comprehend that they might be looking at me because they are jealous of my eyes or how my boobs are bigger than theirs. No matter how hard I try when I look in a mirror I see my flaws and nothing more. Don't tell me I'm not trying to change my body or my skin to make me feel better about myself. I have been for years, I'll work my butt off and I end up hurting myself and losing any motivation I've gained. I've been going to a dermatologist for years and my parents have spent thousands of dollars on potions, creams and medications to help and it hasn't helped much. I feel like I've been dealt a shitty hand in the looks department. The fact that I'm alone and haven't had a boyfriend in over 2 years doesn't help much either. I look around and see people larger than I am or have worse skin than I do and they have someone, someone who loves them and thinks they are beautiful. Where is my person to love me and think I'm beautiful despite my hatred towards my appearance. Every guy I've liked over the years has either easily left me or not even had an ounce of feeling in return. I get frustrated and start ripping myself apart further. I shouldn't need a man to be happy but I do. I'm a relationship person. The happiest I've ever been is when I've been with someone. I see friends go from relationship to relationship with ease or friends who have had one relationship for months and months, years even. I've always been the single friend, the single big girl. In high school I liked this somewhat popular guy and got enough courage to start talking to him (over msn, but still). We talked and talked and shared things about ourselves, I thought there might have been a chance he returned the feelings. Turns out he had no interest in me, he wanted my friend. I basically set them up and they've been together ever since. I'm 21 and I'm miserable. I go home to an empty apartment and I call my parents because I have no one else to call. As cheesy as it sounds, if I at least had a dog to come home to I wouldn't feel so alone all the time. I'd have something to love with my heart. I love my family and I love my two dogs, that goes without saying, but what can I love for the five days I don't see them. My days turn into mind numbing blurs of the same feelings over and over again. I don't see the beauty in myself that others see, if they even see any. It all makes me wonder that if I did look like these models and actresses we see everywhere would I be truly happy or would I still not feel 'beautiful'? Is being thin and blonde beautiful? Is being curvy and having brown hair beautiful? Red hair and freckles, is that beautiful? Does anyone even know anymore? I don't want to sound like an ungrateful brat, I realize I'm lucky to have two eyes, two legs, two arms, I breathe with no difficulty and I have no incurable disease.
7 comments:
I feel the EXACT same way except for the relationship part. I've always told myself I didnt deserve to be in a loving relationship, so I'm pretty much convinced that I still dont need to be in one, despite how lonely I am, not being able to have someone just sit around and watch movies with me. I was/am so determined to be skinny, but Anita made the point that even if I get to be the anorexic bitch I want to be, I wont be happy. And she makes sense. But still...I figure, right now, im fat and un-happy, why not be thin and unhappy? At least I'll be thin and people wouldnt have that 'fat girl' edge to go off on as a reason not to like me. Were always going to want what we cant have, weather it be in looks or boys or both. I think I'd rather find happiness than anything else, but again, its impossible in my eyes right now, because it is so engraved in my mind that to me, happiness means being thin. And I've tried, HARD too...and it always breaks beneath me. Everytime i have a lead, it fails two weeks later. Logic and reason and true desire and wants and needs come through and I fail because of the condradicting loves I have for happiness and food. And its not fair. I think what we really need to be looking for is happiness.
For one thing, I've actually met you, and you're not fat. You cant even be considered big .You have curves and you actually have boobs so if you think your weight is more than you want it to be, its cuz you have the awesome assets that me and my friends are so envious of. I know, anything I say isnt going to make you feel better about yourself,becasue none of this wuld work on me and we think in similar ways, but I dont know anyone else with eyes like yours. I know girls who would KILL to look like you and have your personality and even life. Its hard not to dwell on these things, especially all the time when theres nothing else to really do or focus on, but as cliché and stoopid as it sounds, we just have to try and find the best out of each moment that we can, even if were unconfortable with how we look. Cuz if we worried about the look all the time, we could be missing the important emotions we should be feeling instead. I know this prolly means nothing to you and it wont hit you or anything right now...but one day it will. Slowly but surely...I'm working on this myself.
<3
Whenever any of my friends have poured out their feelings to me like this post, all I want to do is scream from the rooftops about how beautiful they are and what makes them beautiful. I know for a second it might make them feel better but after that second is gone, they still feel the same in their hearts.
I'm sorry you feel this way, Tracy. You are beautiful. We all see it.
i havent met you (yet) but i think you're beautiful- inside and out. it's sad that the media is saturated with all these "facts" and images on what is beautiful. hell, i've been studying the media for a couple of years now and it's inevitable. it's sad that young girls today already have a picture of what they "need" to be/look like because the magazine or gossip girl said so.
i like your quote on the relationship thing, about how he will come when you're not looking. it will happen for you (and me) and he will love you (and me) for who we are regardless of appearance.
you have a good heart and i think you're a good person. <3
Give yourself some credit already. I don't mean to sound cynical but in the end when we're all 90 years old or so we're all going to look ugly. There really is now way around it. I suppose some wrinkle better than others but a wrinkle is a wrinkle and they're not sexy. From everything I know about you from reading your blog any guy would be crazy not to go out with you. Be well.
Wow, I have had almost all of those exact same thoughts myself. The looks, the guy not being interested in me. But when I hear you say it is so hard to believe and I want to tell you that I am sure you are beautiful and any guy would be lucky to have you. But I also know that when people tell me that, it just pisses me off cause it doesn't help me.
I think no matter what we look like we will not be happy or find anyone until we love ourselves. It sounds like we are both far away from that, but I hope we can get there.
All I can say is you are not alone.
i hate when beautiful people (such as yourself) dont see themselves for what they truly are. people dont love you cuz your gorgeous trace (which you are) but for probably the best part about you, which is everything inside of you. yes, it helps that your super pretty.
but prettyness doenst count if your an asshole, look at well, i wont say her name but you know. and if miserable people can score beautiful men, then so can you. an he will be everything you ever wanted. plus youve got all these people that love you.. jenicka, me, ari, chelsea, probably a lot of creepy boys. youre not alone. everyone feels crumy at times. and dont forget that everything on tv is a lie.
xo.
Someone had a link to your blog on their page, I just started reading and kinda got hooked on what you're saying.
Then I read this and got sad.
Tears and all.
I bet you are beautiful.....
x
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